Day four: After waking up in the hotel with both a half-eaten piece of beef jerky AND a half-eaten salt-and-vinegar chip in your mouth (impressive) and voice completely gone (less impressive), it’s time to hit the road. You remember that you have another Christmas party to go to tonight. This Christmas party is known as the party of the year– over-the-top formal dress code, held in a beautiful old mansion, full of weird, gorgeous people, open bar, the works. You apologetically text your friend, “I’ve lost my voice and don’t think I can make it.” “Bring a notebook,” she replies.
Day four, five hours later: At the Christmas party, you quickly down two hot toddies and manage to craft together some semblance of a voice that sounds like Lindsay Lohan and a toad had a baby. At one point, you find yourself waiting in line for the bathroom next to a man in a sequined tuxedo, talking about the time you almost got deported from England for tearing down a Subaru billboard. “I’m sorry if I’m talking too much. I’m kind of fucked up on Sudafed right now,” you say, as if this will somehow provide clarity. You spot an acquaintance at the bar and he wanders up to you as you wait in line. “Hey, if I start acting weird, will you let me know?” he says. “Sure. But pray tell, why might you start acting weird?” “I dunno, I just took some ecstasy,” he replies nonchalantly, as if he’s reporting the weather in Brisbane. “Well, if you just took ecstasy, I would give it about 20 minutes before you stop being concerned with whether or not you’re acting weird” you say. This conversation gives you great relief, as you are no longer saddled with being the only drug-addled weirdo at the party. “Are you sure you don’t want some?” “No, I’m sick” you say, piously, a pillar of health, etc. “If you’re sick, why are you at this party?” You resent this acquaintance.
Day four, seven hours later: You walk into your apartment and your boyfriend emerges from the bedroom, squinty-eyed and blinking. “It’s six in the morning.” “Oh, is it?” you say, acting as if you did not know. “Aren’t you sick?” You resent this boyfriend.